Christmas Eve  / Mom

Well Maria, another Christmas Eve and I feel more lonely now than I did when I first lost you.

I cannot believe that this is the 4th Christmas without you.  I love and miss you so much.  My heart is broken in two.  I think about you every second of every day and the pain in my heart just gets worse as the days, weeks, months and years go by.

I've been to the cemetery to visit you today - I'm going again later to see your candles in the dark.  I've also got your candle lit on the window sill downstairs. I hope you can see it.

I miss you so much babes. I cannot describe the pain that I feel in my heart. I dont understand why God decided to take you away from me....I suppose I'll just have to wait for that answer.  If only He could have taken me and left you here to grow into the wonderful person you were destined to be.

You mean the world to me sweetheart. I love you so much.  I dont know how I am going to live the rest of my life without you.  The hurt and the pain gets worse day by day.  I have a deep rooted sorrow that hurts in the pit of my stomach. Its a pain that I can actually feel.   I know people say that time is a great healer - it isnt.    

I am sitting her now - I've cried so many tears and now I dont seem to be able to cry any - I must be all cried out. In a way, I just feel empty inside.  I have no emotion anymore just a deep longing to be with you and to hold you and cuggle like we used to.  I miss talking to you and no......you were never boring me! 

I love and miss you babes. God Bless now and always.  You are always in my thoughts and you are forever in my heart.

Mom xxx

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Maria / Mom

I miss you so much...I would give anything just to spend one precious hour with you babes. As I sit here, I cannot help but wonder how things would have turned out for you. What you would be doing now. Its hard even to imagine what you would look like.

I dont really know what I want to say to you.  I just feel so sad. The pain of losing you just never leaves me. Its like a really heavy weight sitting on my shoulders and weighing me down all the time.  There isnt a second of the day that I am not thinking about you.

You are my whole world and now you are not here and it just hurts so much. I wish that I could see your beautiful smiling face. Even that is hard to imagine these days.

I'll never ever get over losing you sweetheart and I know that this is what I will have to bear for the rest of my life.  I havent just lost my daughter, I've lost my best friend as well. I've lost the life I had and the life I was going to have.  I've lost you and everything that comes with you.

I love and miss you so much and my heart is broken.  I'm weary -grief is such a heavy burden to carry around. I feel tired and exhaused all the time.  I feel like I've aged about 20 years - I look more like 62 and not 42!!

But...I will continue to fight for you and other teenagers who end up with this horrible, nasty, vile, evil illness. Leukaemia - doesnt sound too bad as a word but at the end of the day, it is CANCER. I remember those awful moments after they told us you had it and trying to make you feel like it wasnt CANCER...when all the time it was!!

I'm waiting for David to come back home from his holiday - he's been away for 3 weeks and I've really missed him....I know how hard all this has been on him.  He hasnt just lost you, his sister, his best friend, his confidante, but he's also, in a way lost his Mom & Dad as well. I just hope that he's had a really good time and had time to switch off from it all.

Lots of love, hugs, kisses and cuggles....Mom xxx 

 

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Race for Life  / Mom

Well Maria...I did the Race for Life last night - it absolutely poured down here yesterday as it has done for the last couple of days. July and its so wet! Anyway, as the race started so the rain stopped just as you had promised so thank you for sorting that out!  It started again half way round and we ran the rest of it getting very wet and muddy.  It was a fantastic experience - so many women all there touched by Cancer in some way. Lots of people ran with messages attached to their backs about who they were running for. Very muddy but I did a reasonable time - 33 mins for 5K. Not bad considering the fall last week and the state my hip is in. I had you  firmly in my mind as I did it and that saw me through it. A bit sore this morning...but hey...it was worth it and such an appropriate day to do it.

I find myself sitting here this morning not really knowing what to do.  I cant believe that its 3 years. It seems so long ago since I last saw you yet in other ways it feels like yesterday. The pain and sorrow are still very much with me and are now part of my life. It's who I am but its also my inspiration.

I promise that I will continue to fight against this vile illness - I am determined to make sure that everyone knows a bit about it and has a bit of an understanding so that in the future people can be diagnosed earlier and get earlier treatment.  I dont want any other families to suffer as we have suffered and are continuing to suffer - thats the dream, of course the reality is that others will find themselves in this position and that really saddens me.

Lots of Love babes....loads of hugs and kisses

Mom xxx 

 

  

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3rd Anniversary  / Mom

Maria, I cant believe it is 3 years since you left. In some ways it seems like yesterday but in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago since I last saw you.  I miss you more and more as each sorrow filled day passes by. Not a second of the day goes by that I am not thinking of you.

My heart is broken; crushed knowing that I wont see you again. Its hard to describe but its like someone has ripped out my heart, trampled all over it, put it back in and said go on....live with that.

I am doing the Race for Life today with Nan and Rose - the weather forecast isnt good! It doesnt matter though as I am doing it for you and it rains in my heart every day.

God bless babes xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Happy Birthday  / Mom (Mom)

Happy Birthday sweetheart. Seems so long ago since your last birthday here with us. Do you remember all  your friends coming to visit. You were so brave just wanting to enjoy it whilst all the time feeling unwell.

We are so proud of you Maria and of all you achieved in your short life with us. Hopefully you are proud of what you have and are still achieving by helping others to understand and raising awareness.

I love and miss you babes - not a minute of the day goes by that I am not thinking about you and longing to have you here with me. But you are in my head and in my heart. 

God bless sweetheart, now and always xxxxxxx

 

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY  / PRECIOUS MEMORIALS XO

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I MISS YOU  / Diane (Mom)
Maria, I miss you so much - it is now coming up to that time of year again when people are frantically searching round the shops looking for presents, buying too much food and drink etc.
What am I looking for......things to put on a wreath.
I cannot tell you how heart-broken I am - I just dont have the words to describe the sheer pain and blackness that surrounds me.
I miss your smile, I miss our little chats, I miss our cuggles, I miss watching you grow into a beautiful young woman.  I see your friends now growing into adults and I know that will never happen now for us and it just breaks my heart.
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Thank You  / Diane Watt (Mom)
Maria - thank you for being the most special daughter that any Mom could have and for choosing me to be your Mom.  Every second of every day that I have spent with you is held closely in my heart.  I think about you all the time and I love and miss you more as each sorrow filled day passes.

You are my world and my world is now a darker place without you. Close